Against the World

Here we go again... today is just not my day... everything and one pissed me off. Went to sleep mad woke up mad. My day was shitty, car yet again fucked up. I hate it. I hate everything and everyone. I dont wanna be here see these faces. I feel darker than i ever had. more and more hatred builds up and a fire is close to burning. I hate feeling this way cause i feel so god damn emo and depressing but there nothing else to say. I do feel alone out here and i do feel out of place. I'm an outcast to my own god damn family and my on fucking friends. I dont belong here or anywhere where you SUPPOSED TO FEEL AT HOME. I need to find a new place some where far where i start new. People like me. But those people, my so called friends and so called family do not approve of. WHere am i supposed to feel comfortable in my own skin and how? I hate it. Once they both where my home and now they are all but just a place for temporary happiness or a place to chill or stay. "home is where the heart is"... fuck that i shit on that. the place where I SUPPOSED TO FEEL at home i feel like shit. I feel lower than everyone. WHY? When I'm in brooklyn and theres family there i feel like look down on me cause i dropped out and that they feel as if i am following a path to no where... and when im here in NJ friends sometimes make me feel, not intentionally, but they are higher than me. i just have to face reality and just understand that no matter what for the rest of my life i will be on my own and an outcast, the black sheep to everyone. I shouldve a long time ago since it comming cause i was for so long i should been used to it. but now it all very clear. i was who i was couple of years ago and now i feel theres no way out but to go back. Going back to the old me. Keeping my guard up high and only fend for myself. I'm not the brightest of the bunch nor the smartest... and i will have to accept that i am lower than everyone. I can only have myself to look out and after for cause i now know no one else will. Its like being reborn to the old me...

sometimes i wanna cry to my mom when she ask me "how are you doing over there? is everything okay? are you okay?" and instead of lying and saying yeah i'm fine... i really wanna say is no i hate... i hate everything about this place and i hate all the people... i wanna leave i wanna come back home but when im there is the same... people left me there and now here people dont ever recongize me. its a lose lose. I miss my home... i miss my old friends. i miss me the most. i miss my happy days, i miss my smile, i miss passion and joys in life... thats it... i miss my life.

fuck this world