Friday, January 23, 2009
Poison
This shit is like poison that starts as and situation but then sinks into my head, to my skin, to my viens, to my heart, through my blood, and into my bones. I never thought i can feel so 'Dark'... so chaotic. I know i'm buggin out i know im losing control. I can feel it just taking its toll and making it way through my body. Its like you see a smile on my face but theres something behind that smile that isnt just laughter, but more like a animal, a beast, just waiting to be uncage and let lose. its like my body is a cage and theres something in me pacing back and forth waiting to sink my teeth on my prey.
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Endurance
its being to take its toll...
Its been a while since i have these thought and wrote them down. Its been awhile since i woke and dreamt of this things and now it back. Stronger than ever. i thought i was able to silence such violence and anger but instead i feel as though its louder and more distructive. I just wanna meet a random person and beat their face in. Bash his fucking skull on the cold icey black tops of new brunswick..fuck that anywhere. I wanna make him bleed with my own hand, my own flesh ripping apart his. Fuck the knife fuck the gun, just two hands against another man. another person made of the same compound as me. I wanna beat the shit outta him so bad no one not his fucking family or friends will recongize him. I want him to scream for his life... i want him to beg, beg like the world was gonna end and he'd be lookin up at the sky screaming no. But yes mother fucker. i will hunt you down when i find you... when you cross my path i will eat you alive and i will show you that there something out there far worst than a man with a knife or a gun or any weapon in fact. and thats me. a man with no real reasoning as to why, but that it feels good. I know punching or even straggling... hurting someone in anyway will make me feel amazing and i'm waiting. My knees no longer buckle in to fear and my hands no longer shake. They're both steady and aim to ya face mother fucker. I'ma shower in ya blood and teeth on ya bones and you know what i'm actually have a fine dinner that i havent had in awhile so thank you.
Its been a while since i have these thought and wrote them down. Its been awhile since i woke and dreamt of this things and now it back. Stronger than ever. i thought i was able to silence such violence and anger but instead i feel as though its louder and more distructive. I just wanna meet a random person and beat their face in. Bash his fucking skull on the cold icey black tops of new brunswick..fuck that anywhere. I wanna make him bleed with my own hand, my own flesh ripping apart his. Fuck the knife fuck the gun, just two hands against another man. another person made of the same compound as me. I wanna beat the shit outta him so bad no one not his fucking family or friends will recongize him. I want him to scream for his life... i want him to beg, beg like the world was gonna end and he'd be lookin up at the sky screaming no. But yes mother fucker. i will hunt you down when i find you... when you cross my path i will eat you alive and i will show you that there something out there far worst than a man with a knife or a gun or any weapon in fact. and thats me. a man with no real reasoning as to why, but that it feels good. I know punching or even straggling... hurting someone in anyway will make me feel amazing and i'm waiting. My knees no longer buckle in to fear and my hands no longer shake. They're both steady and aim to ya face mother fucker. I'ma shower in ya blood and teeth on ya bones and you know what i'm actually have a fine dinner that i havent had in awhile so thank you.
Against the World
Here we go again... today is just not my day... everything and one pissed me off. Went to sleep mad woke up mad. My day was shitty, car yet again fucked up. I hate it. I hate everything and everyone. I dont wanna be here see these faces. I feel darker than i ever had. more and more hatred builds up and a fire is close to burning. I hate feeling this way cause i feel so god damn emo and depressing but there nothing else to say. I do feel alone out here and i do feel out of place. I'm an outcast to my own god damn family and my on fucking friends. I dont belong here or anywhere where you SUPPOSED TO FEEL AT HOME. I need to find a new place some where far where i start new. People like me. But those people, my so called friends and so called family do not approve of. WHere am i supposed to feel comfortable in my own skin and how? I hate it. Once they both where my home and now they are all but just a place for temporary happiness or a place to chill or stay. "home is where the heart is"... fuck that i shit on that. the place where I SUPPOSED TO FEEL at home i feel like shit. I feel lower than everyone. WHY? When I'm in brooklyn and theres family there i feel like look down on me cause i dropped out and that they feel as if i am following a path to no where... and when im here in NJ friends sometimes make me feel, not intentionally, but they are higher than me. i just have to face reality and just understand that no matter what for the rest of my life i will be on my own and an outcast, the black sheep to everyone. I shouldve a long time ago since it comming cause i was for so long i should been used to it. but now it all very clear. i was who i was couple of years ago and now i feel theres no way out but to go back. Going back to the old me. Keeping my guard up high and only fend for myself. I'm not the brightest of the bunch nor the smartest... and i will have to accept that i am lower than everyone. I can only have myself to look out and after for cause i now know no one else will. Its like being reborn to the old me...
sometimes i wanna cry to my mom when she ask me "how are you doing over there? is everything okay? are you okay?" and instead of lying and saying yeah i'm fine... i really wanna say is no i hate... i hate everything about this place and i hate all the people... i wanna leave i wanna come back home but when im there is the same... people left me there and now here people dont ever recongize me. its a lose lose. I miss my home... i miss my old friends. i miss me the most. i miss my happy days, i miss my smile, i miss passion and joys in life... thats it... i miss my life.
fuck this world
sometimes i wanna cry to my mom when she ask me "how are you doing over there? is everything okay? are you okay?" and instead of lying and saying yeah i'm fine... i really wanna say is no i hate... i hate everything about this place and i hate all the people... i wanna leave i wanna come back home but when im there is the same... people left me there and now here people dont ever recongize me. its a lose lose. I miss my home... i miss my old friends. i miss me the most. i miss my happy days, i miss my smile, i miss passion and joys in life... thats it... i miss my life.
fuck this world
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
-Home- RANT
I'm not even gonna try and spit this in a form of a poem... I'm just gonna say it the way i feel with nothing holding me back.
Each time i spend another day or month here, I begin to feel less like at home and more alone, it's a way I felt for awhile but the longer I spend here the more I feel like I lose myself and less people, friends even, don't really get me. I stand alone and now it becomes more apparent that I got only my self to count on and rely on. Sometimes I wish I had more of the strength to drift away and actually be on my own rather than being here questioning people trust, loyality and friendship. I now understand why sometimes I hang with the wrong crowd, that same wrong crowd would stand up for me, shared the same view and value and understood what stand on the line. If I was in deep shit and I needed a hand to reach for I know people like FURI and Zeco and the whole PTC crew with have me. People out here dont get that. I am from a different world but I understand that. I'D KILL A MOTHER FUCKER FOR TRYING TO ROB ME OR TAKE MY SHIT, MY LIFE, THAT I WORK FOR. THAT I PUT MY MOTHER FUCKING TIME IN, MY SWEAT. WHY SHOULD I LIKE SOME NIGGA WITH A KNIFE OR A GAT TRY TO TAKE WHAT I WORK SO FUCKING HARD FOR FROM ME? WHY???! THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE 4TH TIME IN LIFE I'D GET JACKED AND I WONT I SWEAR ON MY LIFE I WONT. ITS MY LIFE I HAVE A PATH AND A ROAD TO GO ON AND NO ONE ON THIS MOTHER FUCKING EARTH WILL STOP ME. So fuck you for tying to jack me, fuck you for trying to eye gaze, and fuck you for trying to sizing me up. FUCK YOU. NO one who hasnt been in this position will ever no what its like. NO ONE WHO HAS NEVER GOTTEN JUMPED, BEAT UP, ROBBED OR PRESS UP WILL EVER KNOW WHAT IT FEELS, WHAT ITS LIKE. I am not a victim not anymore. I'm not the bully nor am I the one getting bullied, I'm the one in the middle.
to be contuined...
Each time i spend another day or month here, I begin to feel less like at home and more alone, it's a way I felt for awhile but the longer I spend here the more I feel like I lose myself and less people, friends even, don't really get me. I stand alone and now it becomes more apparent that I got only my self to count on and rely on. Sometimes I wish I had more of the strength to drift away and actually be on my own rather than being here questioning people trust, loyality and friendship. I now understand why sometimes I hang with the wrong crowd, that same wrong crowd would stand up for me, shared the same view and value and understood what stand on the line. If I was in deep shit and I needed a hand to reach for I know people like FURI and Zeco and the whole PTC crew with have me. People out here dont get that. I am from a different world but I understand that. I'D KILL A MOTHER FUCKER FOR TRYING TO ROB ME OR TAKE MY SHIT, MY LIFE, THAT I WORK FOR. THAT I PUT MY MOTHER FUCKING TIME IN, MY SWEAT. WHY SHOULD I LIKE SOME NIGGA WITH A KNIFE OR A GAT TRY TO TAKE WHAT I WORK SO FUCKING HARD FOR FROM ME? WHY???! THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN THE 4TH TIME IN LIFE I'D GET JACKED AND I WONT I SWEAR ON MY LIFE I WONT. ITS MY LIFE I HAVE A PATH AND A ROAD TO GO ON AND NO ONE ON THIS MOTHER FUCKING EARTH WILL STOP ME. So fuck you for tying to jack me, fuck you for trying to eye gaze, and fuck you for trying to sizing me up. FUCK YOU. NO one who hasnt been in this position will ever no what its like. NO ONE WHO HAS NEVER GOTTEN JUMPED, BEAT UP, ROBBED OR PRESS UP WILL EVER KNOW WHAT IT FEELS, WHAT ITS LIKE. I am not a victim not anymore. I'm not the bully nor am I the one getting bullied, I'm the one in the middle.
to be contuined...
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